It seems so awkward between us, even though we are such good friends in others' eyes. But is that so? I don't know.

You are supposed to tell me anything about you, anything that you won't tell someone else; but you lied to me, again and again. Perhaps you think I know nothing about your lies. 

You are always smiling to me, just like an angel; and I would rather prefer to believe that your smiles do come from inside of your real heart. But can you tell me why I felt something unreal in your smiles? Why did I feel like you were just pretending? You really think I am such a dork?  Maybe you are right. I am a dork, a big fool, for I trusted you, and I offered my real heart to you. But I won't, any more.

 

Mum has warned me so many times that never trust anyone easily. One's heart is not so strong enough as we think to fend off hurt. It's easy to be broken. Not until this moment had I realize her wiseness. Parents sometimes know the best.

 

I really wanna say, that I am so sorry, for you, and myself.

God!! Till now I haven't finished my paper, and it's due tomorrow!!

 

But I wanna go to bed now..

 

Whatever.

Recently I have been on a diet---to make up for those CRAZY days at home... God bless me..  I have gained lots of weight!!! Anyway, I must control myself, eat less and exercise more. No idea about whether it will work or how much time it will take to work, but hope to be kind of BACK!! I have found my lack of patience. I wanna be slim again as soon as possible while I know this task is a long-term one. I have to waaaaait with my great efforts at such self-discipline.

One month, or maybe two.. 

Let's see what's gonna happen. 

I promise, that I will never say those F words again.

I promise, that I will always be a good girl, for good.

I promise, that I will not let the sadness stay with me.

I promise, that I will just be who I really am and who I wanna be.

I promise, that I will keep my promise.

 

Life is full of happiness. Apparently it is not that easy to get it. That's why I will try my best to pursuit my own, and I know I will get it, soon enough.

 

Thank godness you are there.

 

I miss you, so much.

I swear to God that I will nver forget it here, though it is such a long time since last time I came here. To be fair, I feel safer here than anywhere else. Maybe that is because of you guys. I know I can trust you completely, always, and for ever.

 

A week in NJ has passed. This is the first time that I feel so homesick. I do not want to pretend how strong and independent I am. I just wanna say I miss Mom, I miss Dad, I miss my dear friends, I miss everything in Chongqing. It is clear that I have been looking forward to the summer holidays, and I really wanna go back as soon as possible, to throw the fucking masks away!!! I just hope for something real, something simple.

 

God always tortures me in such a cruel way. Everytime I am likely to treat someone as my real friend, it turns out I am such a fool that they are not worth my heart at all. For so many times my heart has broken into pieces, which I could do nothing about but move on. Thank god I am much stronger than I think and I  have been able to heal my heart all by myself again and again. Have I asked for too much? Why did God  to treat me so unfair? I have always been loyal to him.

 

Isn't there someone else you can torture?